Caroline in the City quotes - Caroline in the City Fansite

Last night, Julia and I drove to Maryland, and...we got married.

Married?!

See? I knew he'd do something romantic! Congratulations!

Thank you. That means a lot coming from you. And you are...?

You know, Richard, maybe there's another reason why you haven't spoken to me in uh, [she looks at her watch] four hours and ten minutes, but I'm beginning to get the feeling you might be a little bit mad at me.

Why would I be mad at you?

Why would I be mad at you? Huh...let's think about the last time we talked. [she makes a rewind noise] I gave you some advice about Julia.

Caroline, I'm not mad at you for giving me stupid advice. I'm mad at myself for taking the stupid advice.

So, did I mention that none of this was my idea?

Then you may live... Okay, who invited these people?

Julia. She just invited everyone in your address book... Did I mention none of this was my idea?

[looks around] Okay, let me see: my optometrist... my allergist... [sarcastic] and oh! Happy birthday me, my student loan officer.

[choked up] It was beautiful.

Good, good, good. Okay, tell me all about it now.

It's hard to put into words.

Well, James found a way. It's four hundred and thirty-nine pages!

What can I say? It's an intense journey between rationalism and absurdist despair.

Actually, I was hoping you'd start out with the plot. What happens?

A horse kicks over a bucket.

Okay, and?

That's it.

[brightly] Hey guys! Guess who just showed up on my doorstep?

[sarcasticly] The Center for Disease Control?

Now, just close your eyes, okay?

Okay. [covers her eyes, Del opens the door]

[stands by the elevator, talking to a woman holding a laundry basket] ...so I lanced it, and now I can wear bicycle pants.

Okay, I think I'll keep my eyes closed.

Um, you know what Richard, you've been great about all this overtime. So, I'll just finish up on my own, and why don't you two go home and enjoy the rest of the evening.

[Richard and Julie look at each other and begin to leave] Oh, no. And leave you here with all of this work? I couldn't, really. I feel terrible if I didn't stay here and help you finish every last... [doors close behind them]

[to an empty apartment] No, really, I insist.

[skates through Caroline's apartment] Where is she?

She's out. She'll be back in a minute.

[looks at watch] Oh man, I can't wait! I gotta be at the hospital, like ten minutes ago!

Lobotomy stitches coming out today?

You must be Richard. I'm Jeannie. I used to have your job. A lot of fun, isn't it?

It's like Mardi Gras every day.

Well, my husband and I are moving back to New York, and I would LOVE to find another job like this. I mean, this is a dream!

What are you doing now? Dressing corpses?

I heard you quit your job at the funeral parlor.

Yeah. I've moved on. Those people are dead to me.

So, how was dinner with Trevor?

Well, we had a delicious ravioli. And Tonka had my purse. The dog hates me!

Oh, come on.

Yeah! Turns out, Tonka was crazy about Trevor's old girlfriend, and I think he resents me.

Well, you'd better make friends with that dog. Let me tell you something: guys know that girls come and go, but a dog is forever.

Hey, I'd do anything for a sale.

Would you wrestle an alligator?

Sure.

Would you shave off your eyebrows?

Absolutely.

Would you wear the company jacket?

[looking at the loud red plaid jacket] Can I get back to you...?

Hey! Got something for you. Close your eyes, okay? You're gonna love this. [walks in with a small tricycle] What do you think?

It's dark.

No, open you eyes!

Mmm. [sees Naomi cutting Seth's steak on his plate] Ah, Seth. [nods towards his plate]

Mom. You're gonna embarrass me in front of Annie... Smaller bites!

Well, good, then you have time to hear my New Year's resolutions.

Well, um, actually I was taking down the tree--

[reading from paper] Number one: No procrastinating. Number two: try to make my relationship with Seth last longer than a bottle of ketchup. Number three: tell Caroline that I told Richard she was in love with him. Number four: just say no to french fries. Number five: stay out of other peoples' business--

[turning around quickly] Wait! Go back to number three.

Well, We were at La Guardia, me and Richie, just waiting around, NOTHING to talk about, and I sort of said kind of in passing that you once had a thing for him, and he said--

[aghast] What?!

Yeah! He said "What" just like that! Anyway, that's a load off my mind, see ya later.

(looking through menus) Hey, this Mexican place is great.

Eh, I don't want Mexican. Ravello's, how 'bout that? Cute delivery guy.

No, that will take too long, look, I'll just run over to the Mexican place, I really don't mind.

Del, be honest. You only want to go there because you have a crush on the hostess.

(smiling) Si, muy grande chi-chis.

Okay, that's it. I'm not waiting for the hormone twins to decide on dinner. I'm going to go get a pizza.

You're early.

I'm right on time.

That's what I mean.

I'm warning you, Red, drop those charges! If you show up at that hearing, you'll never get a cab in this town again!

Forget it! ... You're not so tough without a Slurpie in your hand.

Alright. Fine. You wanna be nasty about it. [takes a picture of Caroline's face] I'm giving this picture to every cabbie in New York. You'd better get yourself a pair of comfortable walking shoes!

Like I don't already have some! [Closes door] Jeez. I gotta work on my insults.

I can't believe my mother introduced us. And you're so great! You're supposed to have a hump on your back and twelve fingers.

Are you serious?

Once... [they're holding hands and Annie is playing with his fingers]

You're counting my fingers, aren't you?

No, no, I did that when you pushed the elevator button.

I'll tell you what I think is stupid. Setting fire to a guy's desk! Especially when it has valuable things in it, like rare magazines from Swedish... places.

[to Charlie] You set fire to Del's desk?

Yeah, and it wasn't easy, it was metal.

Remo, give me another. [shoves his half-empty glass over to Remo]

You're still working on this one.

Apparently someone else has been too. This isn't my shade of lipstick.

Oh, the richman huh? Picky, picky, picky.

Hey Richard, you're late. We just ordered.

Yep. And if you know what's good for you, you'll order the 'Caroline in the City' club.

[reads from menu] Yeah. "Turkey, brisket, bacon, and Swiss cheese." Well, aren't you just the little artery clogger.

Oh! That's that new John Grisham book. Did you get to the part where that...

[shouts] BAAHH!! [hurries away to partners desk]

Mom, he doesn't want to know how it ends.

Well, then he'd better stop reading it!

He thinks we're gay.

We need the insurance.

But we're not gay.

Well, do you like me?

Yeah.

Are you happy about it?

Well, yeah.

Happy -- gay, same thing.

[about Julia] The hostess, she's so beautiful. Julia. Sophisticated. Worldly. Elegant. Look at that ass!

She's my wife, you know.

Oh yes, I know.

Have we met?

[puffing out chest] I'm Jose. I fight the bull.

[imitating Jose] I'm Richard. I paint the canvas.

Sorry, I'm looking for my wife. [Walks in, sees mess] I've obviously got the right room. [looks around] Do you know where she went?

I no speak English.

[heads to door] If I find her with that bullfighter, I'll kill her.

Oh, in that case, try the bar around the corner. The bullfighters hang out there.